SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR STEPMOTHERS
Why Biological Mothers Hate Stepmothers?
“My Mummy doesn’t like you, and I don’t know why….”
My good friend has recently become a stepmother. She phoned me up distressed asking for advice, apparently, her stepson has told her: “My Mummy hates you and I don’t know why…”
I am a stepmother too, with a little more experience than she has. I have been a stepmother now for over four years and I have gone through a lot with my stepson’s biological mother. But that’s another story…
There are many great stepparents out there that don’t receive the credit they deserve. It’s too common for biological mothers to hate stepmothers. It puzzled me for years.
Mothers tend to say horrible things about the stepmothers directly in front of their children despite the fact that they don’t know the stepmoms. Thankfully my friend’s partner intervened on more than one occasion and had to block the ex from all electronic communication.
Yes, the mother even emailed my friend’s partner telling him regularly how awful she was, how much the children hate her, how reluctant they are to spend time in their house. Her words were not reflected in her children’s behavior, it’s what the biological mother thinks.
It’s important to note that my friend wasn’t a mistress, or that she has “stolen” this woman’s husband. The two of them were never married and have been separated for 13 years — but she still causes issues and hates her.
The real reason why she hates my friend is that she is a damn great stepmother.
In my opinion, mothers who give stepmom hell have mental health issues and need therapy. Many of these mums actually suffer from malicious mother syndrome.
One of the main reasons that biological mothers hate stepmoms is jealousy. They are jealous perhaps that the man got away, that the stepmother is more attractive and that the kids actually love the stepmother.
It’s very hard for these biological mothers to accept that their children have a positive and healthy relationship with the stepmom especially when:
- The biological mother has still unresolved feelings for the ex-partner;
- The stepmother is younger, more attractive, relates more to the kids;
- The stepmother is involved, caring, and devoted to the kids;
- The stepmother has a more active and interesting lifestyle;
- She comes from a different background and will teach the children new things that the biological mother has no clue about;
- The children speak of the stepmother highly and therefore the biological mother perceives the stepmom as a threat.
Malicious biological mothers despise when their children are enjoying the time they spent with their stepmother. So they do everything in their power to sabotage the relationship, make unkind remarks about their stepmother and demand the children be loyal to the biological mum.
They just do everything in their power to make stepmom’s life miserable.
Another common reason why biological mothers hate stepmoms is anger. They can’t stand that someone else has made their ex-partner so happy.
The best thing a new stepmom can do is disengage from the situation. Quite often stepmoms try to befriend the biological mother, but I would not advise it.
You are under no obligation to have a relationship with the biological mum.
Often malicious mothers will misuse your good nature and turn things against you. She will start a smear campaign against you, badmouth you in front of the children’s teachers and children and she might go as far as make false accusations against you.
Your place is to be next to your partner and support him. You never know when the biological mother will decide to “unravel” her anger and insecurities onto you. Take small steps when entering the “stepparenting ” waters.
It took me years to figure it out, but for me, the best course of action was to always disengage from the situation as much as possible.
It’s not your job to deal with the biological mother. Dealing with her is your husband’s job. You stay completely out of it. You support him from behind the scenes and help him deal with her.
When my partner and his ex went through some extremely high-conflict periods I was always there to support him but I did my best not to get involved. And I was always on his side, no matter what.
It’s also important to bear in mind that there is no winning when dealing with a high conflict ex. And no matter how much you love your stepchildren, they are not yours. So what can you do to keep your sanity in check as a new stepmom?
- Speak to a therapist, friends, and join stepparenting groups;
- Don’t ever let the biological mother pull you into a high conflict situation;
- Block the biological mother on social media and have zero contact with them;
- Don’t ever speak poorly of the biological mother in front of your stepchildren;
- Focus on your well-being: when you need to step back, getaway for a while — do so.
Malicious biological mothers don’t realize that when they belittle a child’s positive relationship with their stepmom — they don’t only harm the children but they harm themselves as well.
The children will grow up and realize that their biological mothers were resentful, jealous, and malicious and it will backfire on them.
Good stepmothers will never come between the biological mother and their kids.
If you don’t let go of your anger issues, obsessiveness and envy, then it will be you — the biological mother who will create the bridge between your children. And your kids will be on the other side of that bridge, standing hand in hand with their stepmom.
So, my dear malicious mothers — tread carefully.